we’re having a bad day

the wedding was fun, the weekend was great
except i started smoking again
there’s something about galesburg… i bought a pack from duffy’s on thursday night when i was there sans Bear (he had more important things to do)

so yesterday i suffered greatly from nicotine withdrawal
i had forgotten how bad it was, i thought i was gonna die
i finally found one leftover cartridge of my nicotrol nasal spray
and managed to finally rid myself of the headache… right before bedtime
then once i escaped the excruciating horror i realized that i had wasted a whole day!
i had forgotten to go to the doctor’s appt to get a physical so i can be a substitute teacher
i hadn’t done any work for my classes, putting me behind AGAIN
and the self-loathing began

combine all that with the realization that i am finally running out of money, a couple more job rejections, a failure to take my anti-depressants for two days in a row, and a particularly poignant visit to my therapist and now i’m completely depressed

feels like every good thing i had going is gone
i was so happy just a week ago! FUCK ME! i hate myself so much!!!

now all i want to do is get drunk, get high, smoke 3 packs of camels and cry myself to sleep
but NO-O-OOO!
i’m a friggin adult now, i have a live-in boyfriend and a family and classes and i have to *shudder* responsible now!
i want to go back to college! back to being alone, back to not caring what people thought, back to being unreliable and inconsistent, back to doing whatever i wanted all the time


p.s. oh yeah i did manage to not eat like a total pig, but i guess i drank enough to combat that because i still managed to gain a couple pounds

p.p.s. why did i quit smoking in the first place?!!! i LIKE smoking! what fucker convinced me to quit?!!!